Try Softer: Key Insights & Takeaways from Aundi Kolber

What if the key to healing isn't pushing harder, but learning to be gentle with yourself? Aundi Kolber's Try Softer challenges the cultural narrative that resilience means powering through pain. Instead, she offers a neuroscience-backed approach that honors how our bodies actually process trauma—through safety, compassion, and connection rather than force and willpower.

This guide breaks down Kolber's complete framework for trauma-informed healing. You'll understand why your nervous system responds the way it does, how early attachment shapes your capacity for connection, and practical body-based tools for creating sustainable change. Whether you're working through past wounds or supporting someone who is, these concepts provide a roadmap for transformation that doesn't require you to push past your limits.

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What does it mean to "try softer" and why is it more effective than pushing through?

Trying softer means approaching your healing journey with gentleness and self-compassion rather than forcing change through willpower alone. Kolber argues that wounded nervous systems need safety and care to restore themselves—not additional pressure. When we push through pain, we actually activate our survival responses, keeping us trapped in the very patterns we're trying to escape.

This isn't about being passive or avoiding hard work. Trying softer acknowledges a fundamental truth about how healing happens: our bodies cannot process trauma while they're in survival mode. Only when we create conditions of safety can our natural healing mechanisms engage. The irony is that gentleness often produces faster, more sustainable results than force because it works with our biology rather than against it.

Many people have internalized the message that struggling means they're not trying hard enough. Kolber offers an alternative perspective—that the struggle itself may indicate a need for more compassion, not more effort. This shift from self-criticism to self-kindness creates the internal safety that makes genuine transformation possible.

How does trauma affect the nervous system and why does it get stuck?

Trauma and chronic stress dysregulate the nervous system by keeping it locked in survival mode, which prevents the natural healing processes that occur when we feel safe and connected. When our brain perceives threat—whether real or remembered—it prioritizes survival over everything else, including digestion, immune function, and emotional processing.

The challenge is that trauma doesn't always resolve once the threat passes. Our nervous system can remain hypervigilant, constantly scanning for danger even in safe situations. This isn't a character flaw or lack of willpower—it's the body doing exactly what it evolved to do: protect us from perceived threats. Understanding this removes shame and opens the door to targeted interventions.

Kolber emphasizes that trauma is stored somatically, meaning it lives in the body, not just the mind. This is why talking about traumatic experiences often isn't enough to heal them. The body needs to complete its stress response cycles and learn, through experience, that safety has returned. This insight transforms how we approach healing—from purely cognitive strategies to body-based practices that address where trauma actually resides.

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What is polyvagal theory and how does it explain our stress responses?

Polyvagal theory explains how our nervous system automatically responds to threat and safety through three distinct states: social engagement (when we feel safe), fight/flight (when we're mobilized against danger), and dorsal vagal shutdown (when we're overwhelmed and immobilized). This framework, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, provides a map for understanding why we react the way we do under stress.

The social engagement system is our default state when we feel safe. In this state, we can connect with others, think clearly, and access our full range of emotions. Our face is expressive, our voice has natural prosody, and we're open to intimacy and vulnerability. This is where healing happens—and where most of us want to spend our time.

When our brain detects danger, we shift into fight-or-flight. Our heart rate increases, stress hormones flood our system, and we become focused on survival. This response is adaptive when facing real threats, but problematic when it becomes our default mode. Many people with trauma histories live in chronic fight-or-flight, experiencing anxiety, hypervigilance, and difficulty relaxing even in safe environments.

The shutdown response and why it happens

When fight-or-flight fails or the threat is overwhelming, our nervous system has a last-resort option: dorsal vagal shutdown. This immobilization response evolved as a protective mechanism—if we can't fight or flee, playing dead might help us survive. In modern life, this shows up as depression, dissociation, numbness, or feeling disconnected from our bodies and emotions.

Understanding these three states helps us recognize where we are at any given moment and choose appropriate interventions. Someone in shutdown needs different support than someone in fight-or-flight. Kolber emphasizes that all three states serve protective functions—none of them are wrong or broken. The goal isn't to eliminate survival responses but to expand our capacity to return to social engagement.

What is the window of tolerance and how do you expand it?

Your window of tolerance is the zone of arousal within which you can handle life's challenges without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down. When you're inside your window, you can think clearly, regulate your emotions, and respond rather than react. Outside your window—either too activated or too collapsed—your survival brain takes over and rational thinking becomes difficult.

Recognizing when you're outside your window is the first step toward returning to it. Signs of hyperarousal (above the window) include racing thoughts, anxiety, irritability, and physical tension. Signs of hypoarousal (below the window) include numbness, disconnection, fatigue, and difficulty engaging with life. Both states signal that your nervous system needs support.

Expanding your window of tolerance happens gradually through repeated experiences of feeling dysregulated and then successfully returning to regulation. This is why trying softer matters—pushing yourself past your limits doesn't expand capacity, it reinforces overwhelm. Gentle, titrated exposure to challenges, combined with effective regulation tools, teaches your nervous system that it can handle more.

Understanding your window of tolerance is life-changing—but only if you remember it when stress hits.
Loxie helps you internalize these concepts through spaced repetition so that recognizing your nervous system state becomes automatic, not something you have to consciously recall.

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Why is nervous system awareness foundational to emotional regulation?

Nervous system awareness is foundational to emotional regulation because emotions are physiological experiences that require body-based interventions before cognitive strategies can be effective. When your nervous system is dysregulated, trying to think your way out of an emotional response rarely works—your survival brain has taken over, and the prefrontal cortex that handles rational thinking has gone offline.

This explains why affirmations and positive thinking often fail for trauma survivors. Telling yourself everything is fine while your body is screaming danger creates a disconnect that actually increases distress. Kolber advocates for a bottom-up approach: first regulate the body, then engage the mind. Once your nervous system feels safe, cognitive interventions become much more effective.

Developing nervous system awareness means learning to notice your body's signals before they escalate. Early signs of dysregulation—like muscle tension, shallow breathing, or a racing heart—are invitations to intervene before you're fully outside your window of tolerance. This awareness transforms emotional regulation from damage control to prevention.

How do body-based practices access healing differently than talk therapy?

Body-based practices like breathwork, gentle movement, and sensory awareness access healing through the nervous system because trauma is stored somatically, not just cognitively. While traditional talk therapy engages the thinking brain, somatic practices speak directly to the survival brain in its own language—the language of sensation, rhythm, and movement.

Understanding a traumatic experience intellectually doesn't automatically release it from the body. Many people can narrate their trauma clearly while still experiencing physical symptoms, hypervigilance, or emotional reactivity. Body-based practices bridge this gap by helping the nervous system complete interrupted stress response cycles and discharge stored tension.

Practical somatic tools for regulation

Breathwork is one of the most accessible regulation tools because breathing is both automatic and voluntary—it provides a direct interface with the autonomic nervous system. Slow, extended exhales activate the parasympathetic nervous system, signaling safety. Even a few conscious breaths can shift your physiological state and bring you back toward your window of tolerance.

Grounding techniques use sensory awareness to anchor you in the present moment. When trauma responses activate, we often feel pulled into the past (where the trauma occurred) or the future (anticipating threats). Sensory grounding—noticing five things you can see, four you can hear, three you can touch—interrupts this pattern and reminds your nervous system that you're safe right now.

Gentle movement allows the body to release stored tension and complete interrupted fight-or-flight responses. This doesn't mean intense exercise, which can actually increase activation. Instead, practices like slow stretching, shaking, or gentle yoga help discharge energy without overwhelming the system.

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How do early attachment relationships shape our capacity for connection?

Early attachment relationships shape our capacity for connection by creating internal working models of whether relationships are safe, predictable, and worth pursuing throughout our lives. In our first years, we learn through experience whether caregivers will meet our needs, whether expressing distress brings comfort or rejection, and whether closeness is safe or dangerous.

These early lessons become implicit expectations that operate beneath conscious awareness. Someone with secure attachment early in life generally approaches relationships expecting responsiveness and repair after conflict. Someone whose attachment needs were met inconsistently may alternate between craving closeness and pushing people away. These patterns aren't conscious choices—they're automatic responses shaped by early experience.

The good news is that attachment patterns can change throughout life. New experiences of safe, responsive relationships can update our internal working models. This is why therapy relationships, supportive friendships, and healing communities are so powerful—they provide corrective experiences that teach our nervous system new possibilities for connection.

Why are safe relationships essential for trauma healing?

Safe relationships and vulnerability are essential for authentic healing because our nervous systems co-regulate with others, and attachment wounds can only be repaired in the context of trustworthy connection. Trauma often happens in relationship—through abuse, neglect, betrayal, or abandonment—and it typically must be healed in relationship as well.

Co-regulation is the process by which our nervous systems influence and stabilize each other. When we're with someone whose nervous system is calm and regulated, our own system tends to settle. This is why a compassionate presence during distress can be more healing than advice or solutions. The other person's regulated state communicates safety directly to our survival brain.

This doesn't mean healing requires romantic partnership or even close friendship. Co-regulation can happen with therapists, support groups, spiritual communities, or even brief interactions with kind strangers. What matters is the quality of presence—whether the other person can hold space for our experience without trying to fix or dismiss it.

Vulnerability as strength, not weakness

Kolber reframes vulnerability as strength rather than weakness. When we stop armoring against pain and instead gently acknowledge our wounds, we create space for authentic transformation. Armor protects us from hurt, but it also prevents intimacy, joy, and genuine connection. Softening our defenses, while frightening, opens doors that staying guarded keeps closed.

This doesn't mean being vulnerable with everyone. Discernment about who has earned access to our tender places is wise, not defensive. The goal is to develop the capacity for vulnerability with safe people rather than remaining armored with everyone regardless of their trustworthiness.

What are the three components of self-compassion?

Self-compassion transforms our inner dialogue through three interconnected components: mindfulness of our suffering, recognition of common humanity, and active self-kindness. This framework, developed by researcher Kristin Neff, provides a practical structure for responding to ourselves with the same warmth we would offer a struggling friend.

Mindfulness means acknowledging our pain without exaggerating or minimizing it. When we're suffering, we often either get swept away by the emotion or try to suppress it entirely. Mindfulness holds a middle path—recognizing that this hurts without drowning in it. This balanced awareness creates space for the other components to follow.

Common humanity reminds us that suffering is part of the shared human experience, not evidence that something is uniquely wrong with us. When we're struggling, isolation often whispers that we're the only ones who feel this way. Remembering that all humans suffer—that imperfection connects rather than separates us—reduces the shame that often accompanies difficult emotions.

Active self-kindness means responding to our own suffering with warmth and care. This might look like speaking gently to yourself, taking a break when overwhelmed, or offering yourself the comfort you would offer a loved one. Self-kindness isn't self-indulgence—it's meeting your own needs so you have resources to offer others.

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What is compassionate presence and why does it matter?

Compassionate presence means acknowledging difficult emotions without immediately trying to fix them, allowing our nervous system to complete its natural healing cycles. Our culture tends to rush past pain—we want to solve problems, find silver linings, or at least make uncomfortable feelings go away quickly. But emotions that are suppressed or hurried don't disappear; they go underground.

When we can simply be with our experience—neither pushing it away nor getting lost in it—something shifts. Emotions are like waves: they rise, crest, and eventually fall. Compassionate presence trusts this natural rhythm rather than trying to control it. The paradox is that accepting difficult feelings often allows them to move through us more quickly than resistance does.

This practice extends to how we hold space for others. When someone we care about is suffering, our instinct is often to help them feel better. But sometimes the most healing response is simply being present without an agenda—communicating through our calm, caring presence that they don't have to be okay right now, and that we're not going anywhere.

How do boundaries support nervous system health?

Boundaries are acts of self-compassion that honor our nervous system's capacity by creating sustainable limits that prevent overwhelm and depletion. Far from being selfish or unkind, boundaries protect our ability to show up for ourselves and others over the long term. Without them, we give until we're empty—and empty people can't be truly present.

Kolber frames boundaries as nervous system protection. When we consistently overextend ourselves, we push beyond our window of tolerance and accumulate stress that our system never has time to discharge. This leads to burnout, resentment, and sometimes physical illness. Boundaries create the margin our nervous system needs to regulate and restore.

Setting boundaries is often difficult for people with trauma histories, particularly those who learned early that their needs were unimportant or that expressing them led to punishment. The trying softer approach applies here too—boundary-setting is a skill that develops gradually, starting with small, low-stakes situations and building toward more challenging ones.

How does trying softer create sustainable transformation?

Sustainable transformation happens through nervous system regulation and body awareness because trauma is stored physiologically and must be addressed through somatic practices that restore our natural capacity for equilibrium. Change that happens only at the cognitive level often doesn't stick because it hasn't been integrated into the body.

When we force change through willpower, we're essentially white-knuckling our way through life. This requires enormous energy and creates chronic stress that eventually depletes us. Trying softer creates change that feels more natural because it works with our biology—meeting our nervous system where it is rather than demanding it be somewhere else.

This doesn't mean transformation is passive or easy. Gentle doesn't mean weak. Trying softer often requires courage—the courage to feel painful emotions, to be vulnerable, to set boundaries, to ask for help. But this courage is sustainable because it's rooted in self-compassion rather than self-criticism, in care rather than force.

The real challenge with Try Softer

Reading Try Softer can feel like coming home—finally, an approach that doesn't demand you push past your limits. The concepts resonate deeply: the window of tolerance explains so much about why you react the way you do, polyvagal theory illuminates patterns you've struggled to understand, self-compassion offers an alternative to the inner critic you know too well.

But here's the uncomfortable truth about healing-oriented books: understanding these concepts intellectually doesn't automatically change how you respond when stress hits. How many times have you read something life-changing only to find yourself, weeks later, unable to recall the key insights when you needed them most? The forgetting curve is relentless—within 24 hours, we lose 70% of what we learn. Within a week, most of it is gone.

This matters more with trauma-informed content than with almost any other kind of learning. The whole point of understanding your window of tolerance is to recognize when you're outside it. The value of knowing about polyvagal states is catching yourself shifting into survival mode. If these concepts aren't readily accessible when you need them—when you're actually dysregulated—they can't help you.

How Loxie helps you actually remember what you learn

Loxie uses spaced repetition and active recall to help you internalize the concepts from Try Softer so they're available when you need them. Instead of reading once and hoping the ideas stick, you practice for just 2 minutes a day with questions that resurface key concepts right before you'd naturally forget them.

This isn't about memorizing definitions. It's about building the neural pathways that make recognition automatic. When you've practiced identifying the three polyvagal states repeatedly over weeks, you start noticing them in real time. When self-compassion concepts have been reinforced through active recall, they're more likely to arise naturally when you're struggling.

The free version of Loxie includes Try Softer and hundreds of other topics, so you can start reinforcing these healing concepts immediately. Because trying softer isn't just about reading about gentleness—it's about having access to these tools when life gets hard.

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